Andreas Illiger has done it again, Tiny Wings 2 (which shouldn’t really be called Tiny Wings 2 because in reality it’s just a massive update for the original Tiny Wings) has just hit the app store, bringing with it hours more of lost productivity and more fun than a barrel of monkeys*.

But it’s not until you really look into the latest update that you see the cruel, twisted, dark world Mr. Illiger has depicted for us.

The original Tiny Wings was about a bird, with Tiny Wings, who just wanted to fly until his narcolepsy kicked in, sounds fun, right? It is, very. It’s also very family friendly, just like all the other top selling App Store games we’ve come to love, you’d expect that his big update would be just as family friendly, right?

Wrong.

Tiny Wings 2 spins a web of deceit, social darwinism, asexual reproduction, slavery and horrible stories. In Tiny Wings 2, you meet four new baby birds who we’re led to believe are the children of the original Tiny Wings. Being that we’ve seen no other Tiny Wingers in this universe, this leads me to believe Mr. Illiger is basing this world off of asexual reproduction.

Disgusting.

The gameplay in Tiny Wings 2 is similar to a game of Mario Kart. Four baby Tiny Wings have to fly to there mother (father?) for food, being that there mother can’t hold anything in her tiny wings, she must have it all in her mouth, so she can only hold so much. The first child to arrive gets a huge silver fish, with the food size shrinking leaving the final bird with nothing but a shriveled up little shrimp – why the mother can’t get four equal sized fish, who knows? This shows a world so perversely twisted that the mothers only form of entertainment is to watch her four children race towards her to try and gain a decent meal! It’s no wonder there are no other birds in this world, they’re all killed off in a terrible form of social darwinism.

Horrible, isn’t it? It gets worse. The mother awards the child who gets there first with noneother than a new nest! As if the others weren’t starving half to death, they now have to sleep on shit filled nests while there strongest gets a fucking Temper-Pedic memory foam!

Oh, and don’t think we didn’t catch your implied slavery, Andreas. Those frogs? The ones that shouts 3, 2, 1, go? We get it. These birds think they’re so strong and mighty they can imprison and enslave an entire species! Despicable.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve deleted Tiny Wings from my iPhone and have no plans of ever bringing it back.

*Are barrels of monkeys really that fun?

PS: If you didn’t catch it already, this is comedy. Tiny Wings 2 is fantastic, go play it!