The FauXbox Reveal Event Liveblog

fau-xbox-liveblog

[UPDATE] Through a special process involving way too much Mountain Dew and some of what I was told is “just be cool man” we have obtained our future Liveblog of the Next FauXbox event. I don’t think anyone expected the crazy reveals and exciting times that happened in that stream. See below for the full rundown of the crazyness.

This is the location for the Next FauXbox Reveal Liveblog. Tune in regularly to get all the information, literally as it happens. If you have any questions or comments be sure to leave them in the comments. You can also follow us on Twitter or like us on Facebook.

9:55 The stage is alight with lasers and Daft Punk’s “Get Lucky” has been playing on loop.

9:58 Just two more minutes!

10:00Get Lucky is still going, no sign of stopping.

10:03 The stadium has dimmed and a single light now shines on a silhouette standing on the stage.

10:04 It’s Steve Ballmer, he is just grinning at the audience

10:06 The lights have come back but Ballmer hasn’t said a word, just standing there… grinning.

10:09 Well… Ballmer just ripped his shirt in twain while shouting “XBOOOOXXXX!”

steve-ballmer-angry

10:10 Subordinates brought Ballmer a green robe that is sort of shaped like an X. The subordinates moonwalked off the stage

10:11:A pedestal just raised out from the floor, it features two geometric shapes covered in a silken cloth.

10:12 Ballmer lifted the cloth off the left one and announced “I would like to present you with the next Xbox, the “T-ReXbox.” The crowd cheered in delight.

10:14 Ballmer explained that the T-ReXbox would be subsidized by Doritos and every system would come pre-installed with Dash of Destruction 2 and 3. “To finish out the epic trilogy of this most cherished ReXbox exclusive.”

10:16 Dash of Destruction 2-3 have been changed to third person shooters in which you must hunt the dreaded Cheeseaurus with blank Dorito chips. “The change,” Ballmer stated “is to help this game appeal to a wider audience. We want Dash of Destruction to be enjoyable for every type of gamer.”

10:18 Dash of Destruction will also feature a robust multiplayer mode with over 2 maps and hundreds more available for purchase on day one. Characters can use the upgraded Live Avatars as the character in the game. Ballmer slyly added “But you will be hearing more about the Live Avatars… very soon.” He then winked several times to every camera within his field of view.

dash-of-destruction-2

10:20 “And now, for what is under cloth number 2!”

10:22 Ballmer just explained that the second item, considerably less orange than the first one, is the new “Xbox Infinity.” He promised that all of our favorite games will be there.

10:23 “Games of note include Halo 5, Halo 6, and the until now unannounced Halo 7 and Halo 7: ODST, Gears of Four, Haf-Life 4 and Minecraft 2 – developed exclusively for and by Xbox Infinity and Rexbox.”

10:25 Ballmer just explained the much rumored price of the Xbox Infinity. The system will actually be free, with a contract. The contract will be indefinite or, “Infinite.”

10:28 “With this contrat you will receive our heralded Xbox Live subscription and the Xbox Infinity for free. It will cost 32$ a month.” He then compared it to having a fancy dinner and instead of doing that you should stay inside and enjoy Xbox Live’s plethora of exclusive content. “Like Netflix and our new Mountain Dew delivery app.”

minecraft-2

10:30 “But don’t let me tell you how great it is, let your trusted friend Bobby Kotick do it!”

10:31 Ballmer just walked off the stage past Kotick. They shared a long glance. I think it was love

10:33 “Everyone loves Call of Duty and we are here to show you more of what you love. We have partnered with Microsoft to bring you the absolute best Call of Duty has to offer and hope to show you that tonight. So I present you with the next evolution in the Call of Duty franchise, Call of Duty Ghosts”

10:34 They are showing the CoD Ghosts trailer that was recently released.

10:36 “Now, let’s see that again!”

10:38 We watched the trailer again.

10:39 Mr. Kotick said “Thank you, we will be releasing this November on all platforms.”

10:40 The lights have dimmed once again and the lasers have somehow been bent in the form of an infinity symbol above us.

10:41 The lights have come back and a single man stands on stage. He is wearing a turtle neck and appears to be malnourished.

10:42 The man introduced himself as Hanz Indie. He says that Microsoft has been very good to him. He keeps casting oblong glances near the edge of the stage.

10:44 “Indie games are alive and… and well on the Xbox platform and Xbox Infinity is… is going to prove that. Indie developers will love Xbox Infinity and the great oppor… opportunities it will offer smaller developers…”

10:46 The lights dimmed and there was a short but pronounced cry from the stage.

10:48 Ballmer has taken the stage again and looks very, very sweaty.

10:49 “And now, we would like to show you something new…”

10:52 Ballmer just spent the last three minutes dancing to Gagnam Style in front of a glowing green light. He was projected upon the screen alongside a virtual representation of Psy.

10:53 While swabbing his forehead with the silken cloth, Ballmer said “The Kinect Infinity is capable of recording your body motion in a 1:1 ratio. Meaning I can tear up a rug just like the legend Psy. Or with him…”

10:54 Psy just walked out on the stage, said “Kinect.” bowed, and walked back off the stage.

psy-kinect

10:55 “And we haven’t forgotten you hardcore out there!” Balmer exclaimed. The lights faded and a sizzle reel started.

10:59 The sizzle reel featured some banging dubstep over several next-gen games. Watch Dogs, Assassin’s Creed 4, Final Fantasy, Minecraft, Destiny, and Halo 5 all made an appearance. There was also a smattering of an indie game that might feature pixel art ducks, I’m really not sure.

11:00 The lights have gone completely out. Ballmer is no where to be seen, the stage is empty, there is only the Xbox Infinity and the ReXbox lit on stage.

10:01 All is quiet, nobody is speaking, nobody is breathing

10:02 Am I alone in here?

10:05 I can no longer see beyond the Xboxs on stage. There is nothing else that needs to be perceived.

10:07 It was in me all along, the Xbox was me, and I was the Xbox.

10:08 I finally get it. Infinite, I will be within it.

10:09 Goodbye cruel world, I’m leaving you today, Goodbye, Goodbye.

rexbox

10:10 The lights came back and Get Lucky is playing again.

 

Well that’s it for the Xbox reveal. Looks like we have quite the contender for king of the console hill. All that is left now is to open our wallets and wait in bated anticipation. Will you be getting the Xbox Infinity or the T-ReXbox? Both seem like they offer a wide variety of content and playability. Let us know in the comments!

Just a guy that loves games and wants so badly to tell you about them. I have a habit of being a terrible person. Prone to talk about the worst games imaginable. Poke-fan. LBP admirer. RPG lover. Writer. Podcaster. Father. Husband. Student. Tired. @Snickelsox on twitter.
  • Marada

    “they should make a ‘cool ranch’ one….”

  • http://www.facebook.com/danieloflorien Daniel Lawson

    you should have ended it using binary or hex translation since you were not the Xbox… or REXbox