Press Start: Taking Control Through the Inspiration of a Community

I’ve been playing video games for as long as I can remember.  When I was in elementary school I was subscribed to Nintendo Power.  In middle school and high school it was Next-Generation.  As an adult it was Game Informer.  While I did visit IGN sporadically for reviews, I had never desired to listen to podcasts about gaming.  For whatever reason I didn’t digest my gaming info through that medium.  Little did I know, that the simple act of listening to a podcast would forever change me, and for the better.

The beginning of this life changing, and in retrospect life saving, journey began tragically enough.  Near the end of 2010 I found out that my father was diagnosed with prostate cancer.  My parents live in California so this information was relayed to me via a rather depressing and shocking telephone call.  My heart sank as my dad broke the news to me.  The man whom had been a real life Superman to me was sick, very sick, and there was nothing that I could do to fix that.  I tried to go to work the next day but broke down in tears.  I have, at times, thought of the possibility of life without my parents but tend not to tread into that territory as it doesn’t usually do anything but create distress for me.  The idea of losing my parents fills me with profound sadness and I know that when I actually have to face it, I will be utterly devastated and shattered.  As days passed by, I received more information on his status and found out the date in which they would operate to remove the malignant tumor.  I scheduled time off from work and set up the FMLA that was necessary for me to spend the next two weeks in California after his surgery.

Over the time that I spent with my family, I could see him getting better every day.  Each day he seemed more like his old self which raised the spirits of the entire family.  Eventually though, my time with them had run out and I was forced to come back home and go back to work.  It was in this moment, getting ready for a shitty day at work during the busiest time of year for my industry, that my life was forever changed.  Coming back to Las Vegas, I could no longer be comforted by the daily progress, the visual feedback that he was, in fact, healthy again.  In a desperate attempt to find some sort of normalcy and ease my worrying mind, I asked iTunes to find me some gaming podcasts.  I stumbled upon Game Scoop (Scoop!) and Podcast Beyond (BEYOND!).  The podcast personalities of IGN instantly had me hooked.  Not only did they get my mind off of my problems, but they made me laugh and gave me insight into the industry.  Over the next several months I dug deep into the podcast archives and listened to all of the old episodes of Scoop and Beyond that I could find.

In listening to Greg Miller, Ryan Clements, Colin Moriarty, and Daemon Hatfield I rediscovered a career goal of mine that I had assumed would be forever out of my reach: to write about video games and be involved with the industry that I love.  2011 became a huge year for me.  I began blogging on myIGN and ended up attending Podcast Beyond’s 200th episode in San Francisco.  There, I visited the office in which all of the magic happens, where the people that got me through the toughest challenge of my life so far worked.

Not long after, I attended my first PAX Prime event and took my very first trip up to Seattle, Washington.  Not only was it my first PAX, it was also my first gaming convention.  The atmosphere was nothing short of majestic as I walked around the convention center floor taking in all the sights and sounds.  There were demos for all of the latest games that would be coming out in the next few months to a year.  Cosplayers were everywhere in elaborate, painstakingly crafted costumes.  I was blown away by the experience.  In travelling to PAX I made more friends in the gaming community, one in particular, Barry Villatoro.  He owns and operates the very site you’re reading this article on: LevelSave.com.

Meeting Barry allowed me the opportunity to write about games and cover the industry that for so long had only been a hobby.  As our friendship developed further, we decided to go to PAX East in Boston as it would be a great opportunity to grow the site even more.  It was at PAX East that I attended a panel that would affect me in a way I hadn’t expected.  Press XY was a panel about transgender issues in gaming.  I have struggled with Gender Dysphoria my entire life and spent the vast majority of my life hating myself.  I despised the physical shell I was stuck in.  My body was a prison and I was screaming to get out, the only problem being I was severely inequipped to deal with any of it.  Even when mildly coming to terms with the fact that I was transgendered at the age of 24, I didn’t have the courage or wherewithall to cope with or deal with the actual reality.  Even though I had come out to a select group of friends and family and began, at times, dressing to match my gender identity I was paralyzed with fear in taking steps to make any actual progress in transitioning.

 

As I sat there in the conference room, listening to industry professionals that were openly transgendered, it inspired me to take on my own journey and fully realize myself as a transgendered person.  I made a private vow to myself: that come PAX Prime, I would try to live as a woman the entire weekend.  There would be no Brad, there would only be Taryn.  I decided PAX was going to be my true coming out party and a social experiment to see if I could handle it.  Would I freak out if people looked at me funny?  Would I fold under public verbal ridicule?  Would anyone even give a fuck that I was a man dressed in girls clothes?  There was only one way to find out and at 29 years old it was time, as Tallahassee would say, to “nut up or shut up.”

My experience at PAX Prime couldn’t have gone better.  Everyone that I met and spoke to treated me not as a boy or girl, but as a fellow gamer and writer.  In an interview with one of the concept artists at Gearbox, there wasn’t a single mention of my gender, my clothes, my voice.  We just talked about Borderlands 2 and what it was like trying to create a follow up game to one of the biggest hits in the FPS/RPG crossover genre.  My LevelSave peers that made the PAX Prime pilgrimage were all extremely supportive of me and further gave me strength to push on.  I’ll never forget, while walking with Austin waiting for an appointment I had scheduled, I stumbled upon Ryan Clements.  The last time I had seen him was at Beyond 200 and my attire was decidedly different (plus I was wearing make up)!  I walked over and said “hello,” to which he promptly replied with his salutations and his typical warm smile.  I asked if he remembered who I was and to his credit he did!  He said that it was my hair that reminded him.  I don’t know what my face looked like at the moment but I imagine it lit up like a one thousand watt bulb.  I proceeded to tell Ryan about my ulterior motives for coming to PAX and the personal importance of the trip for me.  As expected, he was extremely supportive and wished me all of the best.  The rest of the weekend flashed by and before I knew it I was back in Las Vegas posed with the dilemma of going back to my miserable life as Brad.

The more I thought about what I was going to do, the more I thought about how insane it would be to go back to that awful existence.  Here, I had spent one of the most amazing weekends of my life as the real me.  I had, for once in my life, felt genuinely happy with who I was trying to be.  I no longer felt scared to show the world who I wanted, no, who I really was.  When I finally got back to the office, I notified my management team of the changes that were happening in my life.  I explained that I was transgendered and that I would be taking steps to begin transitioning.  I soon found a therapist to lay the groundwork and by January of 2013 had met with an endocrinologist to begin hormone replacement therapy.

Fast forward to today where I’ve just come back from San Francisco to celebrate the 300th episode of Podcast Beyond with over 400 super fans and the majority of the IGN staff.  None of them, not a single one, ever made me feel like anything but the woman I was projecting.  Never once did I feel threatened for being a transsexual woman, or a woman in general.  It was a fascinating, brilliant experience that further cemented my belief that every step I have taken since that tragic day in 2010 has been down the right path.  Virtually every single interaction has made me stronger and more confident in being the person that I really am.  Every day that I’m me I feel closer to being a whole person.  To give you an idea of what I mean, I have never in my life felt comfortable with people taking my picture or filming me.  It has a lot to do with the dichotomy of my physical form and the mental image of what I want to be not aligning in the slightest.  When I watched myself on the Beyond 300 stream, that was the first time in my life I felt remotely comfortable with the person I saw on my screen.  It was a refreshing experience for sure.

I suppose dear reader, that you’re sort of wondering what this has to do with anything and I suppose I’ll tell you.  Too often we read about how the industry is sexist and racist.  Too often we read about how there’s too much greed and that the industry is becoming unsustainable due to dwindling profits and rising costs.  I felt it was time to tell you that while developers and publishers, and sexism and racism do shape and scar this industry, there is incredible healing that happens as well.  As a result of this amazing community that we have created, we lift each other up, inspiring greatness and growth in one another.  For every internet troll, there are hundreds, if not thousands of great people in this community that support one another and pick each other up in moments of need.  For every awful story that gets posted on a website or message board, there are hundreds of awesome, positive stories that are never heard, never shared.  This is one of them, until now, and it’s proof that this industry is incredible and full of bright, open-minded individuals.  They’re making a difference every day whether they know it or not, and they’re making people’s lives better because of it.  You, yes you reading this, are one of those making a difference.  So from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for supporting me, for helping me, and for making the gaming community the awesome experience that it is.  We have a lot of work to do to make it even better but it’s a challenge that, together, I know we can overcome.