So after some tinkering with our time machine and buying some more of the “seriously dude, stop asking so many questions,” we can now travel freely into the future, but only by a few days. What have we used this power for? Well to go to E3 before anyone else of course. So while Adam may have had his predictions, we have the inside actual liveblog from the Microsoft E3 2013 Press Conference. Think you know what was going to happen? Think again.
9:25 – The stage is shrouded by a large green curtain. Everyone is taking their seats
9:27 – This is so exciting. The air is charged with electricity. We have been asked not to talk about the electricity field generators in the back of the room.
9:29 – Was that an elephant behind the stage?
9:30 – The floor darkens and the curtains draw back
9:31 – A man is sitting in a large cushioned chair. He is smoking a pipe and drinking some indistinguishable hard liquor. He is facing a mock fireplace and wearing a silken robe.
9:32 – He looks at us, surprised and stands up.
9:35 – “Oh I am dreadfully sorry. I didn’t notice you there. I was just thinking to myself about how horribly boring my life is and how I should love to ‘spice things up’ as they say.”
9:36 – There is an audible crack of thunder and fog is rolling in from the ceiling.
9:38 – Steve Ballmer is descending from the ceiling. He is wearing nothing but a bright green speedo and he has four green wings shaped suspiciously like an X. I can not see the strings, for what it is worth.
9:39 – Steve shouted. “Verily! Your life is boring. But I, Ballmer, have the cure! It is, the Xbox One: brought to you by Doritos and Microsoft featuring the next wave of motion gaming through the Kinect!”
9:41 – There was a flash of light and we were all blinded momentarily. When they came back the robed man was on his knees, naked and weeping, holding the Xbox One aloft.
9:42 – “For you see, we have yet to reveal the greatest function of the Xbox One: brought to you by Doritos and Microsoft featuring the next wave of motion gaming through the Kinect.”
9:43 – Every camera in the auditorium focuses in on Ballmers face and projects the multiple angles onto multiple screen on the stage. He is covered in sweat and his lower lip has started to bleed.
9:44 – “Television… in. your. brain.”
9:45 – Ballmer produced a cord from the back of the Xbox and jammed it into the back of the naked man’s head. The naked man screamed and collapsed upon the stage. He has started to convulse ever so slightly.
9:46 – Ballmer is just staring at the man, dripping with sweat and with a deep sense on satisfaction on his face.
9:48 – No words yet, still just grinning. The man has stopped shaking and is now lying flat still. It is impossible to see if he is still alive from this distance.
9:50 – “What you are seeing here is a live demonstration of the Xbox One: brought to you by Doritos and Microsoft featuring the next wave of motion gaming through the Kinect’s ability to transmit Television directly into your brain. Gone are the days of needing to turn up the volume because your family is loud and hungry. Gone are the days in which you are concerned with trivial matters like your job or food. Gone are the days you spent wasting away under the sun, probably getting skin cancer.”
9:52 – “So we would like to introduce you to, the ‘Xbox Daze‘. Using this revolutionary new feature, Television Providers can best support your consumer needs by scanning your brainwaves and interpreting them to determine which shows best fit your craven needs.”
9:54 – “There is of course, a learning process. Some people resist against the Television Providers all powerful wave of suppression and suggestion. Thankfully, the Xbox One: brought to you by Doritos and Microsoft featuring the next wave of motion gaming through the Kinect, has a build in resistance deterrence mechanism that will help train your brain to enjoy Cake Boss, as you should.”
9:56 – “But we all know why you are really here today. You don’t care about Television stuff, like you should, so lets talk services!”
9:57 – “Because of your outlandish behavior against the Television Providers we are proud to announce that we will be dropping Netflix support and instead will be replacing it with our Zune branded Video Purchasing Service and Comcast On Demand.”
9:59 – “That is all for new services and we will not be fielding any more questions about it.” He then brutally kicked the naked man off the stage.
10:00 – Ballmer then shouted “Ok, bring on the games!”
10:12 – Several people of different nationalities marched onto the stage. Ballmer rang out “Begin!” and every member pantomimed everyday tasks like sweeping and brushing their teeth.
10:14 – “With Xbox One: brought to you by Doritos and Microsoft featuring the next wave of motion gaming through the Kinect, we have enhanced the scope of what you call a ‘game’ into many new things. For example, every one of these stage members is playing the revolutionary new game ‘You in the Television‘ which is an Xbox One: brought to you by Doritos and Microsoft featuring the next wave of motion gaming through the Kinect, exclusive. In this game players earn points by completing objectives related to the current Television show they are watching.”
10:18 – He pats a smaller boy on the back, smiling and rubbing his shoulders. “For example, little Timmy here is icing a cake for the Cake Boss. You go for it Timmy, I believe in you.”
10:19 – Ballmer is behind Timmy, hand on Timmy’s hips and crying out “100, 200, 500 hundred points Timmy, keep icing that cake Timmy, make it rain points!”
10:20 – Ballmer shooed the group of mimes off the stage and then stared at the crowd excitedly. “Boy have we got something for you. Bring out the indies!”
10:22 – A large man carrying a man sized sack, sauntered on the stage and flopped the sack onto the ground. It squirmed on the floor.
10:23 – Ballmer put a one foot on the sac and a microphone up to one end. “Now, tell them!”
10:24 – “Oh, oh my family! Where is my-” Ballmer swiftly kicked the sack and placed the microphone to one end again. “My name is… Hanz Indie, I love the Xbox One: brought to you by Doritos and Microsoft featuring the next wave of motion gaming through the Kinect, and it loves me. Please, I just want to-” Another kick and then the stage darkened. Some unseeable force drew the bag back as the light went out. Bitter weeping could be heard.
10:26 – All is still and quiet.
10:28- A sizzle reel just played. Text started the reel by saying “The future of gaming…” There was then several minutes of quick clips of reality TV shows with Master Chief’s head transposed onto all the characters. Notable shows include Cake Boss, Ace of Cakes, Ultimate Cake-Off, Cupcake Wars, Last Cake Standing, and Duck Dynasty. The sizzle reel ended with “…is here!”
10:30 – Ballmer stands alone on the stage.
10:32 – “As you can see Xbox One: brought to you by Doritos and Microsoft featuring the next wave of motion gaming through the Kinect, truly is the future of videogames. Now some of you may be wondering, when is he going to talk about this DRM jazz that I keep hearing jive about. Well, let me rap with you and put your mind at ease, there is absolutely no internet based DRM.”
10:34 – “You see, with ‘Xbox Daze‘ the Xbox One: brought to you by Doritos and Microsoft featuring the next wave of motion gaming through the Kinect, is wired directly into you brain. No need for pesky 24 hour checks, we will know if you have pirated a game by purchasing it used.”
10:36 – “We will, of course, allow the piracy of games through used sales. Since ‘Xbox Daze‘ has the ability to implant thoughts we will simply force the desire to pay us whatever fee is deemed acceptable by the publisher, with our own entertainment tax on top obviously.”
10:37 – “And now to reveal what Rare has been working on, we bring you Simon Woodroffe, ‘something or other’ at Rare.”
10:39 – Simon took the stage. Ballmer never left, instead he stands behind Simon, staring intently.
10:40 – “We at Rare have an extremely exciting backlog of IPs, most of which are considered masterpieces of design. So today we would like to bring you the exciting next chapter in our beloved series, Conker.”
10:42 – “To more coincide with the all-in-one and family experience, we have toned down some of the violence, language, nudity, gameplay, and have enabled kinect manditory controls. Some of you may be wondering how we plan to keep the Conker brand of humor alive without swearing and we think you will find that the squeaky squirrel voices that we have been working on are sure to bring all the laughs you will ever need.”
10:45 – Ballmer claps loudly screaming “woo!” at the apparent top of his lungs. “Let’s hear it for this guy. Now get off the stage and make way for Respawn and their new game, Titanfall!”
10:47 – Vince Zampella has taken the stage.
10:48 – “We are pleased to announce out new game Titalfall. The game will be a timed exclusive for the Xbox One: brought to you by Doritos and Microsoft featuring the next wave of mo-”
10:49 – Ballmer just grabbed Zampaella around the neck and choke slammed him onto the stage.
10:50 – “Alright, enough of this charade, let’s get to the reason why you are all really here, Call of Duty GHOOOOOOOOOOOOOSTS!”
10:51 – “Bobby, you old salty peach, get on out here!”
10:53 – Bobby Kotick has taken the stage wearing full military garb. He has an M16 and fires several rounds into the ceiling.
10:55 – “I am here for one reason, and one reason only. To give you the one reason to by Call of Duty Ghosts on the Xbox One: brought to you by Doritos and Microsoft featuring the next wave of motion gaming through the Kinect.”
10:57 – “Forget timed exclusives. Forget extra DLC. Forget better networking. Forget Twitch integration. Forget everything you thought you knew about the Xbox One: brought to you by Doritos and Microsoft featuring the next wave of motion gaming through the Kinect, version of Call of Duty Ghosts.”
10:58 – Kotick whistles and a dog dressed in military gear runs onstage and sits beside Bobby.
10:59 – He then whistles again and another dog, dressed in military gear, runs and sits at the other side of him.
11:00 – Kotick looks directly into the nearest camera and whispers “Two dogs.”
11:02 – Kotick pulled up reins on both dogs, placed a foot on the back of either one, and rode them offstage, cackling.
11:05 – Ballmer took the stage one last time “Thank you all for coming. We look forward to your positive opinions of the Xbox One: brought to you by Doritos and Microsoft featuring the next wave of motion gaming through the Kinect. If you however feel in any way negative about this conference, please see our relearning associates by the door. Thank you.
Well I for one am shocke- Feel. Like. This. Was. The. Best. Show. Ever. Microsoft is really pulling out all the stops with this new console. I can not think of any way –help– that I would not purchase the Xbox –so much pain– One: brought to you by Doritos and Microsoft featuring the next wave of motion gaming through the Kinect. Look for more updates into the new Xbox Daze as soon as I recover from the extremely interesting Cake Boss marathon.