Civilization V: Gods and Kings – Call Your Addiction Counselor

The following is a transcript from a nondescript clinic in the state of California.

“Welcome everyone to the inaugural meeting of OMTA (One More Turn Anonymous). I am Counselor Rioux, and I see that we have a few faces in here, so why don’t we introduce ourselves and say why we are here. Let’s start with you sir”

Points to man on his left

“My name is Bob.”

CR:”And why are you here today Bob?”

Bob:”I am here because I fell off the wagon again. I played the new expansion for Civilization 5, called Gods and Kings”

CR:”And what is it about Gods and Kings that has made you go back to that dark/brightly lit place known as your computer?”

Bob:”There is so much to list off, I mean to start, there is Religion and Espionage. You use Religion as a resource, you start off with a Pantheon, Pantheons lead to Great Prophets, Great Prophets lead to gaining and improving your religion of choice. Religion allows you to get stat boosts to your Civ. It’s awesome, and I am able to influence city states in my favor to get me more money and resources. All I have to do is just wait one more turn…”

CR:” And how has it affected you?”

Bob”I tried converting my real life family into Byzantine followers, because in the game, they get 6 religious beliefs instead of 5! It was about 2 days in when my wife and our son said they were heading to the store, I don’t know why they needed a suitcase, but it must be store far away because I have not seen them in two weeks”

CS:”Ok Bob, let’s move on to the woman on your left, Jamie is it?”

Jamie:Nods head rapidly

CR:”Jamie, would you like to tell the rest of the group about why you are here?

Jamie:Shakes head

CR:”Is it because of Gods vs Kings?”

Jamie: Nods

CR:”Is it because of the 5 new playable Civilizations and 2 new scenarios?”

Jamie:Looks up and glares

CR:” OK well, why don’t we move on and ta-”

Jamie interrupts

Jamie:”YOU IGNORAMUS! THERE ISN’T 5 NEW CIVS, THERE ARE NINE! NINE NEW CIVS AND THEY TOSSED IN THAT BITCH FROM SPAIN FOR FREE! FREE! AND THERE ARE THREE, COUNT ‘EM THREE, NEW SCENARIOS AND ONE OF THOSE IS A STEAMPUNK INSPIRED ONE AND GUESS WHAT HOMBRE? THEY ARE FUN AS ALL HELL. AND BOB WAS TALKING ABOUT ESPIONAGE, WELL GUESS WHAT BUCKO? YOU CAN SPY ON PEOPLE, SPY! YOU CAN SEND YOUR AGENTS TO DIFFERENT CITY STATES AND…”

CR:”Jamie, I think you should lower your voice and calm down.”

Jamie: DON’T INTERRUPT ME! I AM CALM!!! ANYWHO, YES, SPIES CAN INFILTRATE CITY STATES AND RIG ELECTIONS IN YOUR FAVOR SO YOU CAN HAVE AN ALLY IN BATTLE WHEN YOU GO UP AGAINST THAT COW ISABELLA FROM SPAIN! GODDAMNIT I HATE HER SO MUCH! BUT GUESS WHAT? SHE IS GOING TO HAVE A LITTLE SURPRISE BECAUSE I CAN SEND MY SPIES AFTER HER AND KNOW WHAT THE F THAT BITCH IS THINKING!!!! PLUS IF I HAPPEN TO BE LOW ON RESOURCES BECAUSE THAT GREEDY TROLL IS SLOWING ME DOWN, I CAN HAVE A SPY STEAL ONE OF HER TECHS SHE HAS ALREADY RESEARCHED TO LEVEL THE PLAYING FIELD! HASHTAG OWNED! I CANNOT WAIT TO SHOVE A NUCLEAR MISSILE UP ISA-F’N-BELLA’S FANNY AND NUKE HER TO KINGDOM COME!

CR:”Have you at least been having fun with your copy of Gods and Kings?”

Jamie: YOU BET YOUR ARSE I AM. I HAVE BEEN AWAKE FOR THE PAST 72 HOURS PLAYING CIV 5! I HAVE NEVER STAYED UP THIS LATE BEFORE, AND I HAVE SNORTED MORE THAN MY FAIR SHARE OF COCAINE IN MY DAY!”

CR:…Ok… umm…thank you for that…uhhh… passionate display. Let’s move on. Gary? Would you like to say something?”

Gary:”I uh… just wanted to just make a few points about the game… some changes I have noticed and uh, actually liked.”

CR: “Ok Gary, go ahead.”

Gary:”I like that units have 100 hp instead of 10, and uh, they are uh, harder to kill and you need to have a more rounded plan before going to war. Plus there are tons of new units and buildings”

Jamie:”NUCLEAR BOMBS ALL DAY LONG! ERADICATE THE SMIRK OFF OF ISABELLA’S BUTTERFACE!”

Gary:”I don’t use bombs that much. I prefer Naval combat, which is more meaningful. By that, I mean that enemies are more proactive in building up their naval fleets and no longer allow you to dominate by sea. And it is not just the ships either, opposing nations are more progressive and try to rapidly build their armies so you can’t just steamroll over them. Plus, when it comes time to gain allies, they are more reasonable when it comes time to trade or make peace with someone. It’s great.”

CR: Well thank you Gary. Anything negative in your experience?

Gary: “Well, while I have found the game to run smoother, I have noticed a few technical glitches and I had some crashing problems. But it is still fun. I mean it isn’t revolutionary, it is still the same Civ that we have played before, but it is still a great time and everyone should give it a try.”

CR: Well I think that is all the time we will have today, guys. Let’s get together next week and we will have a Civ 5 LAN meeting at our next treatment. Bring your own computers

Bob: But wait, isn’t this all a session to cure of us of our addiction to Civilization 5? I mean that’s why we are here right?

CR: Hell no! I gathered you all in here to see if it was worth my money! A lot of effort I know, but word of mouth is much better in person than on a blog. Plus I need some new people to play against, because I no longer have any friends or family left. See you next week!