E3: Sony’s PlayStation Faux Liveblog

We’ve seen what Microsoft had to offer with their Xbox One conference, but now it’s time for what everyone really cares about: Sony. We’re here live at the site of Sony’s E3 conference. The stage is dark and the lights are dim, this is sure to be interesting. Let’s get started…

[6:01] The lights are beginning to go up and there is a giant PlayStation logo on the screen.

[6:05] The lights have dimmed again and the floor is beginning to open up in the center. Something is rising out of it…

[6:06] It’s a pool! Or a hot tub? Something like that.

[6:10] Nothing’s happening… silence.

[6:11] Nevermind that! Sony’s CEO Kazuo Hirai is walking out onto the stage. He’s standing in front of the pool, looking disapprovingly at the audience.

[6:15] He’s lighting a cigar, is that even legal? He’s smoking a cigar in front of the pool.

[6:17] What’s this? He’s… taking off his clothes. He’s stripped down completely to a wet suit. He’s climbing into the pool.

[6:20] His wetsuit is glowing bright blue and the inception style horn is playing. It’s rising in volume.

[6:23] It’s getting loud enough to where most of us are covering our ears. A few members of the press have left auditorium.

[6:25] It’s all stopped. The lights have gone out, the music stopped, it’s pitch black, it’s a little scary actually.

[6:27] The blue spotlight just came on and it’s shining solely on Kaz. He’s grabbing his wetsuit…

[6:28] He is ripping off his wetsuit and a microphone is falling from the ceiling. He’s picked up the microphone and his wetsuit is gone. He puts the Microphone up to his mouth.

[6:30] He still hasn’t said anything… It’s getting to be a bit ridiculous. Some of the press are beginning to leave at this point.

[6:32] He’s putting the mic up to his mouth… He might finally be saying something. Kaz is looking at us very menacingly… it’s kind of scary. The light moves down over his chest to reveal a giant red tattoo. It’s “DRM” inside a circle with a slash through it. “No DRM!” Kaz yells in broken English. He drops the mic and walks off the stage.

[6:32] The audience is going wild. They’re all clapping and whistling. “This is the best thing I’ve ever seen!” The man next to me yells into my ear. One man in the back of room has actually began to cry.

[6:37] Everyone is still clapping and cheering…

[6:38] A dark figure is walking out onto the stage. It’s… is that… it’s Gabe Newell! It’s really him! He’s wearing a black t-shirt with a huge number three on it! Is this what I think it is?

[6:40] He’s still standing at the front of the stage, just staring at us. “Hi.” He says nonchalantly. “I think you know what I’m up here to announce.” Could this be? Half-Life 3 finally?!

[6:41] “Exclusively to the PlayStation 4… we’re bringing you something we’ve all been anticipating for a long time…” He pauses, grabbing a cigar from under the fat of his neck. It’s already lit. The crowd is really on edge here. He likes it. As the crowd gets antsier, a noticeable bulge appears in his grey stained sweat pants. He opens his mouth as if to speak, then closes it again. “Are you ready? We’ve been listening…” the crowd begins to clap. They’re going out of control. I can hear the muffled moans of pleasure from the man behind me, growing ever stronger the longer Gabe is on stage. Gabe holds his hand up and immediately the crowd silences. “No DRM for the PlayStation 4.”

[6:49] Sorry about that. The crowd cheered so loud that the WiFi signal dropped and a glass panel on the stage broke. I had to reboot my computer. Gabe left the stage a minute ago and in his place Jack Tretton.

[7:00] “It’s been a great show here today. We really want to thank you all for coming out to join us. We’ve seen the future of PlayStation, and boy, is it exciting. We hope you’ll join us in launching the PlayStation 4. But before you go we have a few more big announcements.”

[7:02] Jack has left the stage and the screen has “The Last of Us” on it. Jason Rubin has walked out onto the stage. “The Last of Us, releasing tomorrow, has already been named 2013’s Game of the Year by every single website in existence, and IGN is now calling The Last of Us Game of the Millenium. We’ve seen your outcry for more.”  Underneath the games title “Anniversary HD” fades in. “Coming this holiday, EXCLUSIVELY to the PlayStation 4 (not my emphasis, he yelled that at the top of his lungs.), is The Last of Us Anniversary HD edition.” The crowd is going insane. They’ve all stood up and are beginning to throw money at Jason Rubin. He’s laughing and rolling around in it like a pig in slop.  There has to be atleast a couple thousand dollars up there. A janitor who looks strikingly similar to Reggie Fils-aime has come out with a huge broom and is pushing it all of stage, along with Jason.

 

[7:05] Kaz is back on stage. He is noticeably sweaty and wearing only his tighty-whiteys. His anti-DRM tattoo is still there, apparently it isn’t fake. He begins again in broken English. “Knowing how strongly you all feel about DRM, we have decided to abandon the Playstation name in leiu of something more marketable. Please help us to introduce, not the Playstation 4, but the N-DRM 4. It is pronounced En Druem. Thank you.” He bows sharply and his hair piece falls off.  He vacates the stage and the lights come up, the crowd begins to chant “Screw you Microsoft, Screw you DRM (clap, clap, clapclapclap)” as they exit the stadium.